Colds and Oreos

The whole house has been battling nasty colds since the weekend.  I have felt pretty crappy for several days.  Every morning when I wake up I expect to feel better, but I don't.  I didn't go to Weight Watchers this week.  I've not had much of an appetite either.....although I was feeling hungry just now and I ate 8 Halloween Oreo Cookies with a glass of milk. 

I'm not sure where my motivation for weight loss has gone, but it has totally left me.  Over the last several weeks, I just haven't cared.  I think there is something seriously wrong with me!  I mean, I'm all gung-ho for a month or so, and then I fizzle out.  My goal was to lose 30 lbs by Christmas!  At this rate, I'll be lucky if I can keep of what I've already lost.

I hate to blame my boredom on anybody except myself, but I have to tell you, I am just NOT CLICKING with this WW Leader.  I am going to see if I can change meeting days.  Monday was the best day based on everybody's schedules....but I just dread going.

If I were to be totally and brutally honest with you, I'd tell you that I saw my therapist today.  I haven't seen him since February!  I think I'm getting to the point of being overwhelmed again.  When I start feeling like that...I know what comes next....LOTS of eating.  Eating makes me feel better...it soothes me. So, I called Dr. R. last week and got an appointment for today.  It was good to see him and good to get some things off of my chest.

It's funny that when you actually put words to the thoughts you've been thinking...when you share it with someone else....those thoughts seem a lot more benign and meaningless that when you had them all hyped up in your head.

Still, I grabbed 8 Oreos....instead of a banana.  Will I ever get to the point where I don't look for food to cure what ails me?

Phew!

Just got back from my weigh in....I lost 1.8 lbs!  That was CLOSE!  This has really helped with my motivation.  Tonight at the meeting, WW introduced us to the "Dr. Oz Challenge".  Now, I have never watched an episode of Dr. Oz, but apparently he is partnering with Weight Watchers for a $1,000,000 give away and a healthier lifestyle.  It's called the Dr. Oz Million Dollar You!  You can find out the details HERE!

I went ahead and signed up because I have nothing to lose....but weight!  Join with me......please! 

Until next week!

A Little Late!

I'm finally posting about my weigh in from LAST WEEK!  Here's the good news......I didn't gain any weight!!!  Here's the bad news.....I didn't lose any weight!  Yep!  I stayed exactly the same....282.8.
I'm still hanging on...not totally on program but not exactly off the wagon either.  It's a strange place I'm in right now.  The stress that I'm feeling is beyond what I've had to deal with in a long time.   To an over eater like me, stress is a bad word.  Stress it what fuels my appetite.  I'm not sure why, but eating makes me feel better.  I feel safe and happy.  I feel in control.  It's a sick circle.

In other news, I did the Heart Walk yesterday!  It was a lot of fun.  Dan and the kids came with me.  Our plan was for all of us to walk the 5K, however, after walking about 2 blocks, the girls were already complaining.  It was HOT.  Probably close to 90 degrees and there wasn't a cloud in the sky!  Most of the course was in the sun.  It was brutal.  Dan and the girls turned around and went back to Metro park and sat in the shade.  Nathan stayed with me.  I wish someone would tell me why they plan a walk, supporting the American Heart Association during the hottest month of the year!  Why don't they plan if for.....say....February? 

I'm told there were at least 15,000 walkers and I believe we raised about $1,000,000!  I want to thank my mother-in-law, and my friends Cindy B and Kathy D for their generous donations and support.
There were about 500 Baptist Hospital Employees that participated.  We took a group picture before the walk started.  I will share that picture as soon as I can!

Well, I have another weigh in tomorrow!  The only thing that might save me from another mediocre week....is the walk yesterday.  Let's hope that those 3 miles and tons of water helped me.

See you next week!

8 lbs!

That's how much I gained in the three weeks I've not been to Weight Watchers!  Can you believe it!  It's sad really.  I have only myself to blame.  I really didn't think it would be that much, though.  It goes to show that habits are hard to break.  Now, in my defense, I weighed in after I had been sitting outside in 100 degree heat with about 95% humidity for over an hour watching Amelia at soccer practice.  My ankles were swollen about double their normal size.   I didn't have time to sit down and put my feet up once I got home.  I had to make dinner and then go to the meeting.  Even my fingers were swollen!  I could not have removed my wedding ring if I tried!

Since Amelia's soccer practices are on Mondays, I've made an arrangement with her coach that I drop her off at 3pm...and then pick her up at 4:15pm.  That way, my weigh in at 5:30pm will be much more accurate because I won't be sitting outside in the sweltering heat...blowing up like a balloon.  Originally, my plan was to do a one hour power walk around the soccer field during their practices to get my activity points.  However,  I now see that doing that on a weigh in day is not a good idea.

Anyway, I'm back to it. This is going to be a long haul.  This is going to be my life.  There will be times when I will fall off the wagon and gain some back.  I just have to remain positive and not get discouraged.  I am not perfect and my weight loss journey will not be without hiccups.    I have GOT to find something else to deal with stress other than food.  This is my new goal...to do something else when all I really want to do is to eat!  I have never understood why food is so soothing or why it is that when I am feeling stressed, all I can think about is what my next meal will be. 

I'd like to be able to turn my desire for food into a desire for prayer.  Instead of stuffing my face, I'd like to be able to stop what I'm doing...think...and then pray.  Perhaps  I can make some changes this week.  Who knows!  Anything is possible.

I didn't go....

I didn't go to Weight Watchers last night.  Although I didn't feel great yesterday because of some intestinal issues, this wasn't the reason I decided against going.  The reason is simple...I just didn't want the disappointment of a gain because of my "falling off the wagon" last week.

If I were to be truthful (and....I AM), I think the reason for the intestinal issues was because I went off of the program for several days.  It's funny how I had really started to feel good....no upset tummy, no intestinal problems, no headaches!  Everything was getting better!  I had more energy and I was just feeling good overall! 

Leave it to me to ruin a good thing.

However, you'll be happy to know that I'm back on the wagon and I WILL go to my weigh in this coming Monday!  No matter what the scale says...I WILL submit to it!  My personal goal was to lose 10% by Christmas.  I think that was a reasonable goal....one that was (is) attainable. 

Someday, when I reach my goal of losing 100 lbs, I want to look back on this post as a learning experience.  I want to look at it as a bump in the road, one that didn't stop me from getting where I need to be.

Here's to a better week....ON PROGRAM!!

The Binge

I had a great Weight Watcher week!  I lost 3 lbs!  That makes a grand total of 20.6 lbs!  I have calculated that when I started on July 18th, my BMI was 44.9 (morbidly obese)!  After 5 weeks, my BMI is now 41.8!  This is still at the morbidly obese level, but it's going in the right direction!

Even with all that loss, I still have moments of weakness.  I'm tired right now.  It's been a rough week when you consider that twice a day I'm having to navigate the care lines at school.....I have to help 3 kids with their homework....I have to go through 3 backpacks filled with important papers that require me to either sign, fill out or volunteer....I have to clean out (and I do mean CLEAN) 3 lunch boxes....make sure uniforms are clean and free from stains every morning......comb 2 heads of hair....not to mention getting myself ready for work!  Then there's dinner and laundry and MD appointments and it goes on and on and on!  Really, I'm no different than any other working mother!  We all have a ton to do and not very much time to do it in.  However, when I get stressed like this, I eat and that's the way it's been all of my life.  Eating soothes me.  I feel better....safer...and happy.  When the world is heavy, the first thing I do is begin to think about what I could have to eat that will make it all better.  In a word....I binge.

I know this is not how I should be dealing with stress.  I'm supposed to be looking for other ways to cope.  Over the last 5 weeks, I've coped pretty well by keeping busy, calling a friend, going for a walk or getting in the car and hitting the magazine rack at the drugstore.   All of those things have kept me from stuffing my face to make me feel better.  This week, I wasn't able to resist.  A fact is a fact and I'm not going to hide from it.  I'm facing it head on.....by sharing it with you!

This week (after my Monday night weigh in) I didn't do so well dealing with the stress.  I stopped at Quizno's on my way home from WW.  Then, Tuesday morning I had a bagel with cream cheese and 2 slices of bacon for breakfast.  I haven't had a bagel in over 5 weeks!  Boy was it good.  Satisfying.

Last night I made a scrumptious pasta bake....with Italian sausage, mozzarella cheese, Parmesan cheese, pepperoni and I had two helpings!  Tonight, we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut and I only had two pieces of pizza, but, I think I ate 4 cinnamon sticks!  I've also had diet coke twice this week!  I've been limiting soda to once a week!  Sigh.

Part of me is a little ticked at WW because of the electronic messages they keep sending me after each weigh-in telling me that I'm losing too fast!  It's almost as though I'm eating more...on purpose so I can say to WW...."I'll show you I'm not losing too fast"!

Well, anyway, I stepped on the scale tonight and it said 280.  My scale is at least two pounds heavier than the Weight Watcher scale so that would make me about 278.  If I factor in that I weighed myself about two minutes after I swallowed my last mouthful of pizza....I think I might have only gained about 2 lbs.  Let's hope I haven't totally blown it though.  I'm OK with a small set back but I don't want to sabotage myself.

I'm back on program tomorrow!  I know I will have more of these days in my future...it's just the way things are.  Hopefully I will get better and better at dealing with these situations and not turn to food for comfort.  I think, I will challenge myself to say a Hail Mary every time my desire to binge crops up.  If it lasts longer than one Hail Mary, then I'll say two.  Who knows, I may end up saying an entire Rosary.....but I will have beat the urge to binge!

Thanks for listening!

Question

I had something weird happen after I logged my stats on the WW website last week.  I got a notice from the site administrators that I'm losing weight too fast and that it could be very dangerous for my heart to continue to loss weight at my current rate.  Now, I agree that it is probably not safe to lose weight too quickly....but are they not aware that I was almost 300 lbs???  I could see being concerned if I only had 25 or 30 lbs to lose...but I have over 100 lbs to lose!

I'm not doing anything unhealthy.  I'm following the plan exactly like they want you to.  I'm eating my fruits and vegetables, my good fats, whole grains and drinking my water.  About the only thing I have a hard time doing is getting in my milk.  I'm just not a milk drinker and unless I eat yogurt or cheese....I more than likely don't get those servings in.

After this little "announcement" from WW, I'm somewhat worried.  I don't want to finally start losing weight and then suddenly have a heart attack.  But at the same time....my GOAL is to lose weight!  The bottom line is that obviously, I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in.  For anyone who is overweight....this is a GOOD thing!  Now, I'm second guessing myself.

Should I contact Weight Watchers about this...or should I call my doctor?  Or, should I just forget it and continue doing what I'm doing?  Why?  Why do they do this to me when I'm finally making some progress?  It seems that even Weight Watchers is trying to sabotage me!  Who'd a thunk it?